I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost and I
Can't even say why
Leaving me lonely still...
~Neil Diamond
It seems cheesy and Oprah-like, not to mention decidedly American, to blame your actions on psychological issues. Like believing that I can't go to bed at night cause my mother kept me up one night all night for being bad, and I was traumatized as a result. That never happened, by the way. Yet still however, I do believe that the human psyche is a powerful thing, and things of the past and present, as well as perceptions of the future, might have more to do with our actions than we think.
Like, I know that my present predicament is as a result of some sort of unconscious need. I'm not involved in this to be cool, or to be rebellious, or solely for pleasure's sake. I'm not sure exactly what that need is yet...or if it's being met. But I just know it. I can feel it. My friends think that I'm falling, and sliding down a slippery slope...but the thing is, I know I am. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm doing it anyway. A certain dreadlocked friend of mine said to me recently, "The only way to live is to do whatever you feel like doing." A certain swaydo-lesbian friend of mine might agree with that. And although I find that philosophy appealing, I can't subscribe to it. I wish I were the type of person who could. I'd adopt it and live guilt-free for the rest of my life. But that's never going to happen.
For those of who kept reading this entry to see what my point was, I apologize. I have none.
3 comments:
I am not sure what to make of this entry but, as a certain friend of mine always says on the weekend, the entry is never bad, only how you enter.
Again, filled with curiosity and yearning, I can only assume what you are doing is bad by the normal moral standards of the regular people of the planet. I also don't believe in "if it feels good do it," because my mother always said I should never feel good. That is why I do nothing most of the time.
Are you filled with exciting guilt, or are you filled with some other type? On the realistic side, there is no such thing as a guilt-free life, or pain free wax jobs. If you want a good life then you must learn to manage the guilt, just as criminals and judges do. Personally, if I know I am on a slippery slope I would try to climb back up, or hold on to some nearby bush before things get out of hand. Sometimes, the only way we can know for sure what to do is to step back and look at the ourselves form a good distance. We need to be honest with ourselves and then blog our feelings out. Perspective is everything and the right perspective is even better.
hahaha SWAYDO!
whoze this swaydo lesbian of whom u speak? :|
she sounds nice...
...if i were lesbian ( or a swyado one for that matter) i'd have liked to meet her...
unfortunately, piggies and hair and manliness infest my mind...:|
ok serious now... I think conscience is a helluva thing. Would it have still been there in ur situation if u'd never been taught about it being right/wrong?
I ( like ur swaydo lez friend) agree with living for the moment... especially when the MOMENt gives u soem DAMNED GOOD living...just keep in mind that living for ur moment may affect ur 'future moment' which u also will have to live for... im sure there's a nice 'inbetween' choice somewhere.. look for it! :|
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