Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
~ Coldplay, Warning Sign
Sometimes, when a limb is removed during an amputation, an individual will continue to have an internal sense of the lost limb. This phenomenon, among the many others that exist in the human body, is called phantom pain. Experiencing severe pain in the lost limb is regular among the amputees and according to medical doctors, their pain is real.
I wonder what will come next. I'm scared out of my mind, but you could never tell. I can't even tell. Maybe I'll make the right decision this time, but knowing myself I highly doubt it. Besides work and Rasta, there's nothing much more to my life. More recently I've started talking to my best friend in the world again...not that we'd stopped talking. I missed you so babe, you make me happy.
I think I might be becoming one of those stupid girls. Maybe I always was one. I've gotten myself into an impossible situation. Fcuked up beyond measure. Half of me hates it, half of me loves it. When it's over it's gonna be the same, just in reverse. I think I may have the fortitude to fool myself into not being too affected by it. I guess it won't matter really. I'm here all alone, all the people I really care about are thousands of miles away. So if I fall, like that tree in the forest, and there's no one to hear it...maybe it won't matter? I hate myself for having not one drop of real character. Maybe if I make the right decision this time I can claim some. I don't know if it works that way.
I ordered Chinese food last night from "We Delivery Cigarette Too!"...and the dude buffed me for taking long to get downstairs. I'm so emotionally fragile that he made me cry, and all he said was: "Where are you? I'm waiting!" God, I'm so retarded. Got back upstairs and prepared myself to experience the only real joy I have these days: opening fortune cookies. Not because I believe in their amazing prophecies or anything, just because they amuse me. This one said: "God looks after you especially." It made me cry. I may have lost my mind.
I wasn't always this way. I promise. I had direction and stuff. I had a sense of right and wrong. I could feel things other than numbness. I'm not always numb though, sometimes I cry for no reason; probably just to make sure I can. I feel pain too, but I suppose I shouldn't worry. It's just the agonising phantom pain of the legs I used to stand on.
3 comments:
No one's legs are strong enough to stand on their entire lives, yours just need a rest until they can support you again. Until they are stong enough, you can lean on the shoulders of those around you who care about you...they won't mind.
no more bleegs?
As to why aka_lol was absent from bloging with or without permission, warning or the need will remain a mystery. Now that I have cleared the air and my camera lenses I will continue my second favorite pastime – blog commenting. My first favorite is no real mystery and it is what not only makes life worth living, but what makes life.
Phantom pain I can relate to, but maybe not in the way you experienced it. Someone once said to me that pain builds character and then I punched him in the face to assist him in his personality-building journey. OK, so that wasn’t exactly funny and phantom pain is no laughing matter. I once knew a girl who was a pain in the ass but when she left I kept feeling the pain and it showed. They say the best way to appreciate something is to lose it and I am not sure if I want to appreciate people and things that much. The sages say if we truly love something or someone we must let it go. What? I see no logic in that. Suppose the something you loved doesn’t come back then what? The sages say nothing about if the thing you let go doesn’t love you and is itching to breakaway. I say don’t let the thing you love go unless you are sure it will come back. If you are not sure it will come back and want not to seem like the possessive type then hire a PI or a blimp service.
Hs, I know you haven’t bloged in quite a while but bloging is good for the soul. The real phantom pain I felt recently was from the lack of the time to write anything and anybody. How I love to reply to my spam-mail. Bloging is my one bad habit I will not give up. The only reason bad habits are bad is because they feel so good. There are very few things in life, which is good for you and also feels good. If a bad habit felt bad then you would drop it like the proverbial hot Idaho Potato.
Bloging is a way of sharing pain with countless others who will not know what hit them until long after the browser is closed. The Buddhist say sadness shared is sadness divided and joy shared is a joy multiplied unless it is the winning prize in lotto.
I can’t say my thoughts were very coherent but it is the true nature of my mind and the way the world looks if you could take a peek from the windows in my head :)
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