"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
~ Sex and the City
Phone rings. You pick up. It's your ex. You smile, you say hi and then try not to vomit because of all the crap coming out of your mouth. Like "How are you?", "I'm good, everything is good". Please. Hypocrisy is never more acceptable than when you're speaking to an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Especially when the break up wasn't that great. It's only after it happens a few times, and you both get over yourselves and your need to appear okay, that any real conversations happen. Then when they do, more crap comes out and the ensuing conversations are as unproductive as the fake ones. If you're lucky this doesn't happen. If you're like me, these conversations turn into a vicious cycle that appears to be never ending: One day the conversation is good, the next time it's great, the third time there's an argument, the fourth time there's a bigger argument...and then we start from step one all over again.
It's not that I particlarly enjoy repeating the same shit over and over again, it's just that I haven't had the courage, or the clarity of thought to move past it. That's changing though. Like, for real. Every time we speak something feels different...and I think it's me. I mean, don't get me wrong...sometimes I feel nostalgic, and stuff. There's nothing like the familiarity of an old relationship. And when it was good, it was great. But that's all over now. The sooner the both of us realise that, the sooner we can move on.
Not that I want another relationship in my life or anything. I think that's the last thing I need. But I do think that I need to move on. I know who I want to be, and it's not the person that I was then. It's far from the person I am now also. Hopefully when I get there, I'll be ready for a real relationship. Till then, my relationship with myself is my one and only.
1 comment:
People believe in pain and unhappiness and that is why they keep the bad memories of exxe's at the top of their brain. That is one theory. The other theory is that exxe's are not real exx's until they are replaced with another potential exx. This theory is the one I would subscribe to if I was asked to subscribe to one.
The more exxe's we have in life the more likely we are to meet them in the most unlikely places at the least likely times. That is just the law of averages. The good part about having exxe's is that we know what we don't want by a process of suffering through the whole ordeal. What we must do is learn to take advantage of exxe’s not make the same mistake more than three times in a row, or in one year, which ever is more convenient.
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