Male PMS

"Women love men for their defects;
if men have enough of them women will
forgive them everything,
even their gigantic intellects."
~ Oscar Wilde

I don't know about you gals, but I get a little disturbed when men have more PMS than I do. And we're supposed to be the sex that's impossible to understand. Sigh.

You know, if men wouldn't keep insisting that they don't have feelings, they wouldn't have to come out in the form of moods. And while I can't say that I always (or ever for that matter) make my feelings plainly known...I don't change moods like my mother changes the colour of our living room. Which, by the way, is very often.

Anyway, I'm a patient kind of girl, but sometimes I can be gotten the better of. So, my new strategy is 'hands-off'. Talk to me when the oestrogen subsides.

Ahh men. I love them.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll
show you a man.
~Erica Jong

So I'll admit I was a little tempted. But I'll start from the beginning.

Almost a year ago I had an encounter with a sexy dreadlocked guy at this one party that I shouldn't have gone to for several reasons in addition to the one that follows. I hadn't been drinking, despite you skeptics who may believe otherwise. He was well dressed, and he stood head and shoulders above almost every other guy there. Yes, sadly, I have a bit of a weakness for dreads. He was obviously American. No, I don't have a weakness for Americans, but I could judge his nationality from his reaction to a little Caribbean dancing. Anyway, somehow numbers got exchanged and a couple phone conversations were had. We decided to meet at Tryst for drinks one afternoon. I was a little nervous, but I went anyway. He looked like a stepped out of a GQ magazine, but he still had a little of his own personal edge. His tongue was pierced. Unexpected, but oddly attractive. We talked a bit, and I was informed that from then on "the ball was in my court and bouncing..." All I had to do was make the move. We parted ways, he graduated, went to grad school in New York, and we didn't see each other again. Luckily I was intelligent (and scared) enough to let the ball keep bouncing. It bounced for nearly a year.

Last week, trudging up the hill from Starbucks and on my way to the dreaded Physical Science Lab, I spotted him breaking the corner at the Engineering building. In one of those moments, when you know that your next decision could be crucial, I whipped out my phone and sent him a text. It was him, he was on campus...and did I want to hook up? Being a little deprived, I was tempted to say yes...but I didn't. I didn't say no either. Didn't say yes or no for about four days now. Last night, I went on the Facebook, and saw that he added me to his friends. I checked out his profile, and he clearly has a girlfriend. Immediately, all temptaion was gone. Now I know we weren't planning to elope, or to do anything of any particularly upstanding behaviour...but still. He has a girlfriend! Two unattached people can have some fun if they want, right?

What is it that makes men have no loyalty to their women? What's worse is that he's extremely intelligent, comes from a great family and is very cultured. Yet he would still do shit like that. I guess it just makes me wonder. Granted that this isn't what I was looking for, is there any hope out there for women to find committed men? I'm sure his girlfiend has no clue about this adulterous side of his. My cell phone's now turned off to avoid any further conversation that he seems rather persistent in continuing.

Sigh. I could have, I would have, but I also shouldn't have. Glad I didn't.

Pinch Me

Where there is no vision, the people perish.
- Proverbs 29:18

It's 1:27 am. I'm supposed to be reading Chapter 7 of Productions & Operations Management. It's on 'Process Strategy', and I have to tell you...it's very compelling stuff. The first sentence was riveting, so riveting that I was inspired enough to write a blog about it.

NOT.

It's incredible, the sad state of affairs that my life has come to. What's worse is that noone believes me, and now I'm like the proverbial boy who really did see the wolf that one time. I am failing out of school...but because it's me, and everything always works out, noone believes me. I guess it's better that way, so noone would ask me shit like "What's your GPA?". Like that could solve my problems.

I do believe that my lack of motivation to go to class, do homework, go to work and pretty much participate in my own life comes from somewhere much deeper than "I just don't feel like it". Problem is, I decide not to think about it, because thinking about it means I have to do something about it. Since I am obviously not prepared to do that, I just continue on existing...floating about by every wind that catches me. When the wind stops, in moments like these, I realise just how unhappy I really am. I resolve to think about it, and talk about, and hopefully do something about it, so that eventually it will all change. I will have some purpose, some vision...something that gives me a reason to LIVE. Then I go to bed, wake up and forget that yesterday happened. Somehow reality has ceased to exist in my life, and every day is like a 24-hr dream that I'm sleepwalking through. Hopefully soon, someone will pinch me, and I'll wake up. Till then I'll continue to exist in my own prison.

I suppose I should finish that chapter. Maybe I'll just go to bed.

Tip #1: Don't accuse selfish people of being selfish.

SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
- Ambrose Bierce


I asked a friend of mine today if he thought I was selfish. He said "Everyone is selfish." Everyone? I wasn't sure if to believe him, or if I should be a psycho (like p) and analyse the phrase until it didn't exist. I came to the conclusion that I agree, and disagree with him in equal portions. Logically speaking, we're all individuals and would naturally act in favour of ourselves, and naturally seek what pleases us. If we don't, then who else would? On the other hand, acting solely for that purpose, without an iota of concern for anyone else is what I think the word-makers had in mind when they created it.

Somehow accusing someone of selfishness doesn't always pan out well. I don't recommend it...even if you do it indirectly, and especially if that person doesn't take criticism well (but thinks they do). Chances are you'll have a harsh criticism of the same thing slapping you right back in the face. From there you have two options: 1) Shut up, or 2) Get pissed off. Being the calm person that I am, I chose option two.

All I can say is that I'm sorry for thinking I could depend on a friend. Wanting to, and thinking you should be able to is not being selfish. It's being human. Getting pissed off because you expected not to be able to is also normal. I consider myself to be a dependable friend, even when I'm not asked. But apparently that's my ego speaking. For the sake of not arguing further with that friend, which would be the equivalent of individually plucking out my eyelashes, I am now choosing option three: Not giving a shit. Think what you will of me (even though most of those thoughts have no real basis). I know who I am, and what my actions have been. I have nothing to defend.

In that sense, I am selfish. According to Ambrose anyway.